When life gets stressful and out of control, I tend to pull back. I become a big-time homebody. Apparently, I stop grocery shopping but enjoy online shopping a bit to excess as well, but that's a subject for another post entirely. I eat cheese curls and coke zero for lunch. Yeah, I wish I was making that up but it was my lunch one day this week. I did make up for it the next day with a huge strawberry and goat cheese salad that was overflowing the dish with greens. That was much better. And, somewhere, amidst all the non-grocery shopping and junk food lunch, I apparently stopped blogging. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. I am stressing and worrying and not sure what else to do because I have no answers. Not yet, anyway. All I have are plans and thoughts and most of them are insane. The hubby and I spend time concocting crazy schemes for how our life is going to change. Now, I don't know if all of those things will happen, but one thing is for certain, our life is going to change. And, I'm trying to give myself this time to adjust, to be happy, to be sad, to be whatever I want to be, because that's what I need.
I know I sound cryptic, like I'm trying to be all dark and mysterious, but that's not it. Really. It's just as a blogger, you never know how much of yourself you really can share because I am not an individual all of the time. I am married, I have children, I have a business and all of those things are precious to me. I would like to retain as much of a guard around those things as I can but at the same time, I feel it's important to share as much of me as I can because that's what Homemade Served Here is about. It's about my life, and all of the homemade parts of it that can't be found in anyone else's life. I will share that my view of my life has been altered, as we face finally getting a diagnosis for my hubby's vision issues. Wanting a diagnosis becomes like a crusade...you want to know so badly what is wrong that you'll stop at nothing to get there. But, now that we know, now what? I remember praying just to be able to get an answer, a reason, but in reality, that's not what I wanted. I wanted an answer so it could be fixed, not to get an answer only to find out there is no "fix." I should have been more specific.
So, as my husband and I face this new challenge, I remember our vows and know that whatever lies ahead of us, those words and the 18 years that have followed them have strengthened us and we will make our way through all of this uncertainty that is surrounding us right now. We meet with another doctor next month and hopefully get more specific information so we can move forward and figure out what we're doing. And, as we do this, I'm trying to not focus on this huge thing that is looming over our life. Ever try to do that? It's hard. It's like the constant "but" at the end of thoughts, sentences, and plans. I alternate between being strong and positive to being scared and sad. I never quite know how I feel but overall I care more about how he feels right now. I want to know what he's experiencing, I want to share in his thoughts and feelings and most of all I want to take it all away. It's frustrating that the one thing I can't do is the thing I want to do most and it is completely out of my reach.
I will work hard at getting back to my photo-taking, recipe-posting self, but wanted to at least share my thoughts and explain my absence in the interim. I am headed to the beach with friends next week for winefest and I will be making scones and I am sure that the urge will hit to snap pics and post them for all of you. I just ask that you're all patient and know that I'm not going anywhere, but am just taking a breather to regroup over here. :)
Love,
Sheri
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